hear you me

toro y moi tickets purchased. march 22 detroit bar. let’s do this.

i usually don’t post up many personal things of sensitive nature that have happened in my life, i may write about them in the form of poetry or a random spew of strategically placed words, but never anything point blank.  the purpose of this post is mainly a release for me.  i’ve always been good with turning my emotions into sentences and writing has been one of my favorite forms of stress relief.  so here i am, opening up to the world of the interwebs of friends and strangers alike.  

not too long ago, i was deceived by someone i dearly trusted in perhaps one of the worst ways.  i loved this person in more ways than one.  he was my best friend, my partner. we shared everything. mind, body, secrets, hopes, our pasts, our present, our desires, everything.  little did i know, he was sharing those same things to someone else while swearing i was the only one.  it made me sick. it killed me and i was being buried 6 feet under. 

he had lied to me about nearly everything. all those words of love, hopes and desires for us; they were all lies.  

not only was he lying to me, but he was lying to the other girl too.  in my opinion i thought she had it even worse than me. she had come to me, revealing the deception that was plaguing us both right under our noses and for that i was thankful.  we had long talks to each other when both of us were feeling extra down, even the intentions of hanging out and establishing a friendship. we were trying to help each other find our ways back to sanity and i was finding the strength to reach and grab on to my grave’s edge. but, she deceived me too, telling me false preachings that she’d never return to him, warning signs she shouldn’t have accepted, and claims that she respected herself so much that she wouldn’t dare give him the chance to disrespect her once more. they were all words and her actions never matched up to her words. she decided to go back to him. 

i was twice betrayed, shocked, but most of all, hurt once more.  questions constantly cluttered my mind. “why can’t i just get over all this?”  ”how can people have such lack of morals?” ” “how can someone ever go back to a person who’s done those things fully aware of his actions?”  ”why is she being so weak?”  ”how does he get to get away with the shit he’s done and still gets what he wanted anyway?”  i was driving myself insane and i could feel my grip slipping from the edges of the grave that i was hanging from. 

but then, everything stopped. my grip grew stronger and i held on tighter to that edge. i stopped feeling sorry for myself and accepted the situation.  i came to terms that it wasn’t my fault for the events occurred and that i did my best to trust and love whole-heartedly.  i can’t control what other people do and what choices they make, but i can control my own.  so here i was, presented with a choice— do i allow this situation to bury me and make me into some sort of bitter monster left to suffocate and die, or do i choose to search for the blessing that is hidden and live a happier wiser life?  do i go to the light, or stay in the dark?

if you know me well, i’m absolutely terrified of the dark. (dry laugh) 

things are better now.  i’ve forgiven, but not given in.  i’m doing my best to keep my head up, be civil, classy, and remain positive, and i’ve found a lot of hidden blessings. don’t get me wrong, i’m still brushing off the dirt, picking out rocks from my hair, and spitting out the taste of soil left from the grave, but now i can breathe.

i’m free. 

(this is where my gratitude is expressed to my family and friends for wrapping their hands around mine and never letting them go)

-n

i had a constant flow of little surprises today: roses, phrased written candy hearts, kisses from little children, pop rocks, and a mouth watering dinner.  i know that they’re are tons of negative nancys and bitter bettys especially on a holiday meant to celebrate love, but i refused to let them get me down.  i celebrated today by loving myself a little more than usual, wishing love upon my stag friends, and being happy and excited for the ones who are in love, just like any other day. :) the photos below are from a quaint little artsy place called Lola Gaspar’s located in the downtown santa ana art district.  i’ve been meaning to dine here forever but have never gotten to it until tonight.  they were known for their duck confit fries but unfortunately, no longer featured.  everything here is best shared with good company and conversation. hope today was your day my darlings and if not, i hope tomorrow is and the days to follow.  cheers <3